quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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