i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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