Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
ttyl tear gas
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
