I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
