Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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