Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
