I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
