I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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