I am spending my child support on dildos
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
