Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I need to stop coming to work sober
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
