I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
