gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
