Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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