Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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