I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
