I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
