I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
