I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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