All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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