The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
