Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Holy shit dude........stairs
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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