First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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