he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
