Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
