break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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