i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
