4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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