she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
