Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
