My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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