i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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