I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
