Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
