We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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