Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
