Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
