I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
