I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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