Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
