we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
