I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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