just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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