Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
