She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
