What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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