at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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