You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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