I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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