made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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