Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
