meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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