Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we're making bets on your personal life
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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