just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.