My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Green mimosas i think yes
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.