i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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Houston, we have a squirter
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.