we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
