Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
