so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
