hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Boobs speak an international language.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
