My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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