I don't usually arrange sex via text message
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
