i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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