i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Actions speak louder than pants.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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