I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
