my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
