WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
