Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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